“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

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Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.


I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.


My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.


I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.


Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too


This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.


Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.


RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good


[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…


Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*