@chuuew

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

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@OfficialMizGin

Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

@Bob_Heller

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

@iamspacegirl

Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too

@moose_chocolate

This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I’m pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.

@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.

@fro_vo

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

@EndhooS

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

@LizzieEMB

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*