[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.