“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Fries, not lies.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth