“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.