ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?
I’ll tweet it tomorrow.
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BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants