@TEXASVETERAN

Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.

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@theshantilly

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

@ChetPlease

The fact that McDonald’s didn’t name their customer service “Arch Support” feels like a big ol missed opportunity.

@mommajessiec

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@psybermonkey

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

@GingerHotDish

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

@zachreinert03

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family