Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.

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ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.



BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT


Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.


My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they’re lazy.


She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.



me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie


Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism


Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.