My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Cat.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.