Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do