“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My blood type is b hungry.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.