Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations