Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters