*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
You Might Also Like
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope