Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.