Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Grow up never but we old may grow we
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
my one true gender
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.