Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.