Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too