Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
DOC: good news is you’ll make it
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.
P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever