@notabeanie

DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

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@YNB

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@BadJordon

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@MetteAngerhofer

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

@KeetPotato

[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
“banjo”
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]

@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@Sickayduh

Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever