Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?