Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.