doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Just this preview of the story is enough
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.