doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
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FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.