A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Alexa; make it look like an accident
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again