@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

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@voldemortsbicep

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

@fro_vo

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

@Test_of_Steron

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

@jordangerous

Facebook: My little man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.

@JaneSays___

Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone’s mouth while they’re talking?

@dakarrier

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn