Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*