“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet