@FredTaming

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

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@Marlebean

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@GoodBadThing

Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.

@de2theJay

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

@briangaar

If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there

@totalwackjob

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

@Jerrypleasure

[first day as an archaeologist]

ME: *digging*

COWORKER: *yelling* stop digging in our office, karen !! You’re gonna get us all fired

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..

@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot