doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?