Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
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Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.