Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
A collection of me turning into random objects.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity