Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights