doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.


shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me


The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.


If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.


I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.


Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.


[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.