@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

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@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@twilightsthorn

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

@3sunzzz

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

@jtswhipped

Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

@UncleDuke1969

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.