“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too