The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*
Everyone needs a backup man.
My husband: plan. The word is plan
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”
– My Dad
Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.