@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

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@DaHess1

The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@baronvonbike

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

@DaHess1

“Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you’re trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train.”

– My Dad

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!

@krisv_723

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@markleggett

I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.