One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
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shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.