@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

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@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@TheHyyyype

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

@FuckabillyRex

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@PaulyPeligroso

If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure

@SteveSuckington

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

@Cheeseboy22

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.