doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The honesty is refreshing
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Breaking news:
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.