Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
You Might Also Like
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting