@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

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@samalmightysam

Why couldn’t the Mayans just make a calendar full of naked women like everybody else?

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@MorticiaKate

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

@Darlainky

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@CantWaitToNap

Me: “I have COVID-19.”

What my husband heard: “We should have sex.”

@bathflyer

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

@bencoffeehall

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.