keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.