Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him