@MandiAtRandom

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

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@daemonic3

me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@DaddyJew

Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@UncleDuke1969

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

@OllyiConic

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@WildeThingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”