Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting