me: [using doggie poop bag at park]
stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once
me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it
stranger: what’s your dog’s name
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death
Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: I’m gonna be late
Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.
“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”