[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*