Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe