Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
tell em, edith-anne
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall