I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Well, that didn’t work.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“OMGJK” -atheists
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.