@kwirkyKerri

Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*

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@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

@DillDoes

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

@rcromwell4

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

@sixfootcandy

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

@daemonic3

[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide

@trevso_electric

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

@LackOfShame

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no