Doc: You need to increase your protein intake.

Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*

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If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.


Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
“You mean Diabetes?”
Ooh look at me, I’m a patient that knows all the diseases ooh


Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.


I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.


[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide


Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.


H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.


date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no