[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
One venti cheeseburger please.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm