I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Doc: You need to lose some weight.
Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.
Me: Like pies and chips?
Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.
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I bought an iBoat and it’s syncing!
My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.