Doc: You need to lose some weight.

Me: How?

Dr: Don’t eat anything fatty.

Me: Like pies and chips?

Dr: No. Don’t eat anything, fatty.

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I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.


My husband says I talk in my sleep but I don’t believe him because nobody at work has ever mentioned it.


I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.


Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.


*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly


I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?


If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.