Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
three things we don’t talk about
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I love twitter
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
So the ex texted me
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.