doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
how high up are we talkin’?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.