doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
felt that
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
new shirt idea
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.