Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.

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Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*


In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.


Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr


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Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!


If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.


I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify


I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.