Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.
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In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.