@LosLos__

Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.

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@ImaFlyontheWall

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*

@mellimelle

In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

@Browtweaten

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@JasonLight73

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I’m way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@ln0217

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

@akatinamarie

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.