@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

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@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@BriarSlyMalice

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

@AmberDonn

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.