-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Where are you going?
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.
Two words: DUCK HUNT
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.