*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
You Might Also Like
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
So true for me
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.