@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

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@krisv_723

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

@Jen_Mahabir

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life – lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.

@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@EndhooS

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

@thevickster_sa

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT

@AnchorsAviators

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.