[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]