@FredTaming

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

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@internetluke

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

@BradBroaddus

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@notalogin

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

@OakHill_

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]