doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it