Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.


I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team


Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”


When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”


Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?


[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—



Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.


Honestly rude to go all the way into a fish’s domain and then be like “oh no thank you I brought my air from home”


Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble


Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.