Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec