doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Um … Hot Wings please
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
me hitting on a model
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.