You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?
Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…