@DrakeGatsby

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

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@3sunzzz

You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

@Cpin42

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

@Cpin42

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@VaDawn13

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@Meh_Tweetz

bought 30 treadmills & placed them around the perimeter of house, when zombies attack my house they will just keep walking for days

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

@SaltyCorpse

You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…