*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?