Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
mood
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…