@ElliotHetherton

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

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@Midgetspar

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

@PinkCamoTO

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

@EndhooS

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@kimtopher22

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

@SondraDeeMe

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

@envydatropic

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.